I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
