@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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