Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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