so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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