remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
