I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
