I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
