he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
