mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
