I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
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