Well apparently he's into motor boating.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
