One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
