I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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