I need to stop coming to work sober
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We are two peas in an std pod
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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