I'm going to rape someone's good day.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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