Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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