so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
