She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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