New invention idea: vibrating tampons
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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