Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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