Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
