I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
