We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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