Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Dicks are not precious.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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