This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
