Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
