What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
