Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
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Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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