i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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