Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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