rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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