Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize