I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fuck me I smell like cheese
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
