i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
3pm strippers are depressing
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
