my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
