Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
