never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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