ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My bed smells like the plague
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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