I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
