i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
