Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
