good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
