You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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