i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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