my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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