So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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