my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
