pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
