there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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