I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
