at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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