There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
