We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Can I color on your dick again?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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