This dress was meant to end up on your floor
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
