Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Randomize
