Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
