And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
