Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
