Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
