Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
