Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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