yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
