Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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