Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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