my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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