I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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