I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
