Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
