You're my little dorito
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You can't special order awesome
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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