How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
